Flamingos at the Hialeah Park racetrack circa 1947. (Photo via State Library and Archives of Florida postcard collection)
It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
The 2026 Florida Legislative Session kicks off tomorrow.
You psyched? I know I am.
We can witness the majesty of democracy at work, the glory of our constitutional system, the sheer fabulousness of our elected representatives as they conduct the People’s Business.
My top priority — yours, too, I’m sure — is the state bird.
Mockingbirds are usually about ten inches in length, with a fifteen-inch wingspan, grayish upper portions, white undersides, and white patches on the tail and wings.Via FL Department of State
Our state avian is the Northern Mockingbird, a noisy and ill-mannered little bastard who likes to pick fights with other critters.
We’ve been stuck with this gray, aggressive, song-plagiarizing critter since 1927.
But perhaps not for much longer.
Rep. Jim Mooney, R-Islamorada, has once again filed a bill to replace the mockingbird with the flamingo.
He insists the change is vital: “If you ask people around the state of Florida what’s the state bird, very few people ever say the mockingbird. They’ll say the flamingo, they might say a pelican.”
Mooney reasons that, because flamingos feature on Florida postcards, the plastic variety are stuck into Florida lawns and appear on the Florida Lottery logo, it must replace the mockingbird.
Like the mockingbird, the flamingo is native to Florida, although in the early 20th century we damn near hunted it to extinction, “harvesting” its pretty feathers to adorn the hats of fashionable ladies.
“The reality of it is the flamingo represents Florida,” he says. “It always has since I was a kid.”
The mockingbird is also the official bird of some other states, so it’s not special enough for the special state of Florida.
Nevertheless, it has its defenders, including several North Florida lawmakers who feel the flamingo, all sleek pinkness and skinny supermodel legs, is a South Florida thing unrepresentative of the state’s non-pastel regions.
The only time a flamingo comes near the Panhandle is when a storm blows one up here.
‘Evil little bird’
Mooney’s biggest problem, however, may be Marion Hammer, former NRA president and longtime NRA lobbyist.
The woman feels very strongly about the m-bird.
“Mockingbirds have exceptional vocal abilities,” she says, “and can mimic songs of other birds, and the noise of mechanical devices like sports cars and tones on cellphones.”
Flamingos, on the other hand, produce a kind of nasal honk.
Florida Scrub-Jay via
Florida Fish and Wildlife
Conservation Commission
Perhaps to mollify the anti-flamingo contingent, Mooney’s bill would also name the Florida Scrub Jay the state’s official songbird.
The scrub jay is the only bird endemic to Florida; its presence on our peninsula goes back 2 million years.
It’s clever and sports sky blue feathers: a lovely little critter beloved by all who see it.
Almost all.
As Coach Lee Corso, another famous Floridian, liked to say, “Not so fast, my friend!”
The Hammer hates the scrub jay, calling it an “evil little bird” whose kind “steal other birds’ eggs and kill the babies of other birds.”
Worse, because the scrub jay is friendly and will eat seeds and nuts out of your hand, she says it has a “welfare mentality.”
Really, really bad, the scrub jay is a threatened species, which means tree-huggers and their radical leftist Audubon Society ilk want to protect its shrinking habitat and stop decent Christian developers from paving over it.
The fate of Mooney’s bill may depend on whether the Hammer decides to oppose it.
Remember, she’s armed.
Suffer the little children
While we’re on the subject of “welfare mentality,” Speaker of the House Daniel Perez is pushing a brace of bills to punish people who insist on being poor.
Or a child or old or pregnant or disabled or all the above.
Following the example of the huge bill Donald Trump calls “beautiful” and most Americans call “ugly,” Perez wants to cut aid to what Jesus (remember him?) called “the least among us.”
Perez and his pet House Republicans will tighten SNAP eligibility and slash Medicaid and Florida’s low-cost children’s health insurance program.
He says it’s to save money.
Fewer kids will have access to care. And thanks to Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and our science-challenged state surgeon general, far fewer will be vaccinated.
You know what will happen: A non-immunized, no longer insured child gets measles or chicken pox or RSV, infects a whole classroom of other children, and has to go to the Emergency Room, thus costing everybody a lot more than if the child could get treated without bankrupting the parents.
Speaker Perez calls this “protecting taxpayer dollars.”
Also on the health beat, Rep. Jeff Holcomb, R-Spring Hill, wants to allow you to get ivermectin at your neighborhood Walgreen’s. No age restrictions, no prescription necessary.
Ivermectin, in case you have forgotten, is an anti-parasitic drug, good for round worms, hook worms, whipworms, and head lice.
What it’s not good for, according to reputable clinical trials, is COVID-19, despite quacks across the nation claiming it is.
Sojourners
At this point, you may be wondering if the Legislature plans to do anything to improve transparency, accountability, and the lives of ordinary citizens.
There are a few promising bills.
Sen. Carlos Guillermo Smith, D-Orlando, wants ICE to take off the masks and wear visible IDs when they’re going around terrorizing people.
Given that ICE seems to enjoy apprehending anyone they don’t like the look of, including U.S. citizens, you’d think it was only fair — constitutional, even — for them to show identification.
As for the detainees, other lawmakers think it might be an idea to keep better track of them. FDLE has a database of a sort, logging “suspected unauthorized alien encounters.”
Senate Minority Leader Lori Berman, D-Boca Raton, wants a more comprehensive public database of who gets detained and how, where they were born, where they’re being held, and if they’re moved to another prison.
Right now, if someone is held in one of the state’s Sites of Penal Alliteration — ”Alligator Alcatraz,” “Deportation Depot” — their families and their lawyers may not be able to locate them.
However, as long as Gov. Ron DeSantis can keep claiming Florida is under a “state of emergency” (renewed for the 19th time in December), legislative oversight can be ignored, detainees can be abused in vile facilities, and the state can build all the “Alligator Alcatrazes” it wants.
No accountability.
According to DeSantis, hordes of rampaging undocumented types “remain within the State of Florida;” therefore he needs king-like powers to make sure they’re not running around mowing lawns and mopping nursing home floors.
Sen. Tina Polsky, D-Boca Raton says, “The state of emergency has allowed the governor to skirt more than two dozen state laws, including those related to requirements for competitive bidding, oversight of excessive spending, proper licensing, public transparency, and safety restrictions.”
People, Florida government IS the emergency.
Fetal personhood
Of the 20,000 arrested in Florida last year, a third had some kind of criminal conviction — anything from shoplifting to assault. The others either had no criminal past or else had been charged with heinous offenses such as driving without a license.
Some of those hauled in by ICE have pending asylum claims — they’re here legally. Others are United States citizens.
The worst of the worst, y’all.
Don’t expect anything to happen with these immigration-related proposals.
They’re sponsored by Democrats.
The ruling majority is likely to ignore them completely in favor of bills promoting hatred, cruelty, and destruction.
Rep. Shane Abbott, R-DeFuniak Springs, thinks a family member should be able to sue anyone who aids a woman in getting an abortion, even if, 1. The woman wants the abortion; and 2. The abortion takes place in a state or country where it’s perfectly legal.
Parents could also sue over the “wrongful death” of what SB 164 refers to as “a member of the species Homo sapiens, at any stage of development, who is carried in the womb.”
This is a fetal personhood bill.
The persistent Sen. Erin Grall, R-Vero Beach, files it every year, hell-bent on criminalizing miscarriages, medical abortions, perhaps even contraceptives such as IUDs.
It would essentially give a fetus the same legal status as the woman who carries it.
If that’s not enough to make you consider moving to Tierra del Fuego, check out Sen. Stan McClain’s bid to make pollution great again.
Environmental plunder
SB 479 would stop uppity local governments from enacting their own water quality and wetlands protection rules.
Those rules make developers sad.
County and city governments across the state know something McClain and his ilk don’t get: Floridians like nature.
They want to protect local ecosystems.
They want clean water.
Wetlands are critical to clean water.
But this bill would let the Department of Environmental “Protection” decide who gets to pollute and where.
Of course, what they’ll decide is to let the developers who own state government lock, stock, and barrel haul off and build that huge new subdivision.
Never mind the run-off.
Did I mention McClain’s a residential contractor?
Perhaps he’d like to do some business in scrub jay habitat. The little sucker isn’t monetizing it.
And once that land has roads and houses and Starbucks, Publixes, and Wawas, Marion Hammer won’t ever have to worry about that bird again.
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